Parents hear about bullying implications in presentation at Holy Name
By Bill Rea

Bullying in schools is a problem that needs to be addressed, especially by parents.

That was the message psychologist Dr. Glen Di Pasquale had for people attending a session recently at Holy Name Catholic School in King City.

Di Pasquale said bullying used to be dismissed as "trivial kids' stuff," adding it was only about 25 years ago that anyone thought the subject was worth researching.

He defined bullying as being negative experience, adding it's not accidental. "It's done on purpose," he said.

Di Pasquale added most people think bullying involves someone being physically beaten up. He said it's important to understand that it's much broader. It can be physical, but also social, psychological or technological, if it can result in a person feeling isolated or ostracized, or having rumours spread about them.

"This stuff is very powerful stuff, in which one creates a situation in which someone is totally isolated," Di Pasquale said.

Social bullying can consist of a group selecting a victim who has one or two friends and picking those friends off until the victim is all alone. People can do things like that simply because the victim is a "fun target."

Psychological bullying can consist of threats, thus creating a situation of fear. Even without physical contact, such actions can ruin the whole school experience.

"That kind of intimidation is very powerful," he observed.

Technological bullying can involve chat rooms, spreading of rumours, or even the creating of Web sites filled with all kinds of terrible material

Di Pasquale added this type of bullying is particularly serious because it doesn't have to end at the school.

"You can't get away from it," he declared. "It follows you home."

This kind of bullying can make a kid scared to go on their computer, or even have their cell phone turned on. Thus, it deprives them of their social contacts.

Such incidents of bullying might not occur constantly, but but can go through intense periods, then die off for a while. "Bullying occurs over and over again, over long periods of time," he said.

Bullying always involves an imbalance of power, Di Pasquale commented. Much of the time, it involves social power, with an aggressive personality victimizing someone who might be quiet and sensitive, possibly artistic.

Physical size doesn't necessarily matter, he said, especially when it comes to cyber bullying, in which usually based on anonymity. He also cited a recent article, which stated 17 per cent of young people said they go on the Internet just to be mean to someone.

Di Pasquale said a Norwegian researcher named Dr. Dan Olweus conducted an anonymous study in the late 1980s and early '90s, and found about 15 per cent of kids are involved in bullying, either as perpetrators, victims or both. That works out to one in seven, or four in a school class of 28. He added youngsters will say it only takes one kid to change the climate in a classroom, and create a distraction from learning.

He also said Olweus had told him those numbers would likely be higher in Canada.

Di Pasquale conducted a study of his own, between 1990 and '90 at three random schools in York, and found numbers were somewhat higher, and he determined in Toronto, the numbers would range between 18 to 20 per cent. "You're talking about a lot of children," he said.

He also said boys are more likely to bully and be victimized than girls, but the bullying methods differ between genders. When it's boys against boys, he said someone usually gets hit eventually. Girls can get physical too, although they are generally more into social bullying, like not playing with the victim, making sure she's not invited to parties, making her feel isolated, etc. Di Pasquale said such incidents are very painful, and hard to catch.

There are a number of reasons why this is seen as a serious issue.

One is a matter of fairness. Canadians consider themselves people who take human rights very seriously, and they don't like to see a jungle ethic in schools.

There are also the longlasting effects of bullying. Di Pasquale said there have been a number of studies following groups of kids over a number of years. He cited one Olweus conducted, following a group of 250 Grade 6 boys, who were hard-core bullies. By the time they were 23, 60 per cent of them had at least one criminal conviction, and 40 per cent had at least three. If a kid gets the idea that the way to solve problems is with violence and intimidation, what are they going to do at 23 when someone in a bar says something they don't like?

Studies also show kids who are bullied tend not to be victims as adults, but there are still impacts on the self-esteem, especially in men, and that can affect the way they interact with their sons. As well, he said rates of depression and suicide are slightly higher for victims of bullies.

There is also the chance that bullying can result in extreme consequences. Di Pasquale related one story of a five-year-old boy who refused to steal for two bigger kids, and he ended up being tossed out a window.

There was another case about three years ago in which a 14-year-old boy killed himself after years of torment and isolation. he left a detailed suicide note, in which he named names, and police ended up charging the 15-year-old female ring leader with criminal harassment.

"How much pain do you have to cause a 14-year-old to get him to take his own life?" Di Pasquale asked.

There have been consequences that have received world-wide attention. The Columbine shootings in April 1999 is among the most prominent, but there have been many others. "We only hear about the spectacular ones," Di Pasquale said.

The two youths responsible for the Columbine shootings were seen as outsiders who had been bullied. One had been humiliated in the school cafeteria just three weeks before.

He warned that if kids are allowed to do cruel things without intervention, serious consequences can result.

One way to prevent bullying is to have parents raise respectful kids, since it's lack of respect that leads to bullying in a lot of cases. Sometimes, they just need to be told the Golden Rule about treating others the way they would like to be treated.

"It's really that simple," he said. "As a culture, we seem to have lost that ideal."

It's also important to raise children who are empathetic and fair-minded. Di Pasquale said it's hard to teach empathy to younger kids, since it's hard for them to place themselves into the shoes of others.

But he did say that if more children are taught to be respectful, empathetic and fair-minded, and are ready to insist on fairness, cases of bullying would be a lot less frequent.

Di Pasquale also pointed to the need to raise assertive kids with good self-esteem. All good anti-bullying programs, he said, try to use the vast majority of youngsters who aren't involved. Research has shown that bystanders have the most power to change behaviour. A person willing to speak up can end incidents in second in many cases.

But it takes a lot of courage for a kid to act like that. Di Pasquale observed they had better have a lot of self-esteem, because they are likely to lose friends.

One of the problems in dealing with bullying is adults might not realize it's going on. Kids don't want adults to know what's going on because they may feel embarrassed, or think it's their fault.

He said parents need to be observant, sensitive and suspicious, as well as involved in their kids' lives. And if a child confides in the parent, it's important to document as many details as possible.

"If you don't act," he declared, "no one else is going to."

"There's a conspiracy of silence, and the victims are part of it," he added, pointing out kids in school know who the bullies and victims are, but the adults might not.

People at the session were also given some information about cyber bullying and Internet safety from York Regional Police Constable Marina Orlovski, who works out of the Community Safety Village in Stouffville, teaching these issues to youngsters.

She said she points out to the kids that "no" is one of the shortest words in English. "It's one of the most powerful ones that they can use, as well."

Cyber bullying is new, and attractive to some because they believe (falsely) that they can remain anonymous. She explained each computer has its own Internet protocol (IP) address, meaning any messages can be traced back to the machine from which they were sent. "Everything you send out is time and date stamped," she said.

This has become a very big problem, which both schools and the police are taking seriously. She also warned that people between the ages of 12 and 17 can be looking at very serious consequences, including charges of harassment, intimidation, impersonating, threatening, etc., and criminal records.

Orlovski asked parents to consider where the home computer is located in their house, and whether they are nearby when the kids are on it.

She stressed the need for parents to set rules for computer use in the home.

"You're in charge," she said. "You're the ones who will set the rules."

It's up to the parents when, where and how their kids have access to a computer, she said, adding there's no reason for a child to have Internet access in the bedroom. She said that goes too for Webcams and cell phones, which she said 10- year-old children don't need.

"It's just another way for them to cyber bully each other," she remarked. "From a cyber bullying point of view, cell phones are a menace, and absolute menace."

Orlovski urged parents to be involved and informed, and stress the message to their kids that they are to never give out personal information over the Net.